Sunday, November 28, 2010

from this one place...

I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry.

It took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams.

From this one place I can't see very far.
In this one moment I'm square in the dark.
These are the things I will trust in my heart
You can see something else

I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way

take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

hard to swallow

Nichole Nordeman's Gratitude.... breaking my heart right now....

Send some rain, would You send some rain? 'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again and the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade. Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud? Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down? Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid.

But maybe not, not today. Maybe You'll provide in other ways. And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude for lessons learned in how to thirst for You, and how to bless the very sun that warms our face if You never send us rain...

Daily bread, give us daily bread. Bless our bodies, keep our children fed. Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight. Wrap us up and warm us through. Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs, let us slumber safe from danger's view this time.

Or maybe not, not today. Maybe You'll provide in other ways. And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude. A lesson learned to hunger after You. That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between. What we want and what we really need..

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace. Move our hearts to hear a single beat between alibis and enemies tonight. Or maybe not, not today. Peace might be another world away. And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude for lessons learned in how to trust in You. That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream in abundance or in need. And if You never grant us peace...

But Jesus, would You please . . .

Monday, September 6, 2010

I don't doubt your sovereignty

Sara Groves, speaking to my heart.

Hello Lord, it's me your child. I have a few things on my mind. Right now I'm faced with big decisions, and I'm wondering if you have a minute. Right now I don't hear so well and I was wondering if you could speak up. I know that you tore the veil so I could sit with you in person and hear what you're saying, but right now, I just can't hear you. . I don't doubt your sovereignty, I doubt my own ability to hear what you're saying and to do the right thing, and I desperately want to do the right thing. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think you are telling me to wait, and though patience has never been mine, Lord I will wait to hear from you. .

Sunday, June 13, 2010

what is done and yet to come, amen

immediately after the last post, God gave me Psalm 16. immediate answers. immediate refueling.

however, day to day, i must be refueled.

the past few weeks have been...i don't even have a word

at times i have felt so filled with joy and hope and surrounded by the pure love of Christ. I was held in His arms at Women's Worship last week. and every Sunday at worship. Its like my heart is just putty in the Lord's hands. Weepy putty. i cry in church. frequently. okay...every time. (my spiritual rock of the past couple years, Lisa Carr, once told us that she always cries in church, so i feel like i'm in good company.) the promise of God's provision is so humbling and yet so frightening from the worldly vantage point that we have, it just overwhelms me.

today in church we sang "open the flood gates of heaven. let it rain". amen. let the promises rain.

also in response to the previous post, not only did God give me Psalm 16, he also gave me Daniel 3...

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

... wow. even if he does not. even if he doesn't provide them with the earthly response to his promises. they knew the Lord is faithful.

new friends are coming. new joy is coming. God has fulfilled his promises. i hope for what is to come.

as dave barnes says.... "what is done and yet to come, Amen."

Saturday, May 22, 2010

woozy friends

i feel like i just had no control over today. over leaving.

that's not the truth, but i feel like it.

i'm sitting here thinking to myself, "why on earth did you just leave those people, those relationships behind? you just...drove away. just got in you little SUV and left them in a sleepy town in the middle of rural america. who does that? you do."

that's not the truth either, but i feel like it is.

there is such depth and love and knowledge of heart in those friendships. and now i'm home, (with my family, which is beyond wonderful), but i don't know how to basically start from the beginning with friendships here.

its like this. say, you really like riding roller coasters. well, you ride your favorite roller coaster everyday, just enough times to where you feel a little woozy, but that's worth it cause it was your favorite. and then, one day, you go to ride your favorite roller coaster and they tell you that you can only slide down the slide.

a slide? pardonnez-moi?

this is a little tiny slide. like on one of those playschool yard sets.

its plastic.

it doesn't make you appropriately woozy.

but you chose to come to the park, so now you have to ride the slide, or nothing.

the friends that i left this morning, make me appropriately woozy. they know my heart. they know more about me than i know about me.

and i know there is good to come. i know that the Lord is mightily, woozily, faithful. i know that in the depths of my heart. i heart is in the middle of the promise and the proof. i believe the promise, so i hope and wait for the proof. even if the proof never comes, i still have faith in the promise. but right now, i'm in the middle.

my heart trusts that here is where God has called me.

its just that my heart aches for the promises that he has already fulfilled in my life. because they were so holy and perfect.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

tonight, i'm watching kate and parker while their mom and dad took a night to themselves. i was tucking kate in bed and she asked me if i could tuck her in snug-as-a-bug-in-a-rug just like daddy does. so i did. and she said she felt like a caterpillar. then as i turned off the light and pulled the door closed, she said "goodnight, caterpillar."

that brought me joy :)

Friday, April 16, 2010

Monday, April 12, 2010

I went up to the mountain because you asked me to. Up over the clouds where the sky was blue. I could see all around me everywhere. Sometimes I feel like I've never been nothing but tired and I'll be working 'till the day I expire. Sometimes I lay down. No more can I do. But then I go on again because you asked me to. Some days I look down afraid I will fall. And though the sun shines I see nothing at all. Then I hear your sweet voice come and then go, telling me softly, you love me so. The peaceful valley just over the mountain. The peaceful valley few come to know. I may never get there ever in this lifetime but sooner or later it's there I will go.

God Bless Patti Griffin for the words and the tune.

my heart hurts right now for my family. they are dealing with a weight that many families have to deal with everyday, the weight of the end of life. it is a relief and a rejoicing at times, but it is a time of grieving a loss. my grandfather taught my brothers so much. he taught them how to hunt. how to fish. how to take care of themselves. how to be men of their heritage. how to be family men. he has taught me so much. he has taught me humility in the past few years. growing up, he was always with the boys. that's just kind of how it was. he and i weren't really close. but about a year ago, he came up to me and he just hugged me. and he told me that he was sorry that he hadn't loved me like he had loved and taught the boys. he told me that he loved me and that he was so proud of me. it was such a blessing to hear from him. it hurts me to know that my mom could very well lose her daddy. it hurts me that 6 years ago around this same time of year, she dealt with the loss of her mother. it hurts. i believe that God is faithful and God heals our hurts. but they still hurt for now. and they will hurt for a while. i wish i could be home to help. to do something to take a bit of the burden off of my family. but all i have the power to do is call mom, check up on her, and petition the Lord on behalf of my family.

Blessings on my family, dear Lord. Peace and the Spirit of Christ upon them, my Father.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Won’t you take this cup from me
‘Cause fear has stolen all my sleep
If tomorrow means my death
I pray you’ll save their souls with it

Let the songs I sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

In this hour of doubt I see
But who I am is not just me
So give me strength to die myself
So love can live to tell the tale

Let the songs I sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

- Needtobreathe

Friday, April 2, 2010

allow me to start off with this statement...

i'm obviously not an avid writer.

...but i won't let that deter me. keep on keepin on, i tell myself.

i graduate in 5 weeks. i. graduate. in. 5. weeks. i don't think i need to say that again. College life will be my history. i don't know what is next. i know what would be comfortable for me. but i know that the Lord very well has other things in mind. i honest-to-gracious-goodness am okay with that. one thing, comfortable or not, that i am ready for, is to return to savannah. on my own. i'm ready to learn from my precious mother. i'm so proud of her and the heart that God has molded in her.

the other morning she called just to say 'good morning' (because we hadn't been able to get ahold of each other the day before). she simply mentioned a harmless email that my dad had sent me about grad school, and i just couldn't hold back my tears. i just started bawling. because i make grad school scary. i make the future scary. i make the unknown scary. actually, the unknown manages be scary whether i name it that or not.

i know what the past 4 years have been for me. i know the lessons i have learned. i know what i am capable of doing and what i wish to be capable of. i know what i have tried and what i want to try. i know what God has revealed to me and i long for what is yet to be revealed.

when i phrase it like that, the future is promising. but when i phrase it like 'grad school', the future is scary. i'm working on my wording.

this week i have begun to learn a very valuable thing about myself. when i think of my weaknesses, and then i look to my God, my thought process is this...'my powerful God can rid me of my weaknesses. my God has the ability to be my strength and overcome my weaknesses.' i have always expected my weaknesses to be transformed into strong, firm, unfailing ways.



no. that is not what glorifies my God. yes, i believe without a doubt that he has the power to change anything for the good of his child. but he never says that my failings or my insecurities or my weaknesses are things that i need to be rid of in order to show God's power. it is because of these weaknesses that his power is shown. it is because of these weaknesses that we find our need for God. it is because of these weaknesses that we praise him.

praise him. breath of heaven, hold me together.


Friday, February 26, 2010

although i love to quilt. i will NEVER have a cat. so many quilters have cats. ...i'm gagging...

just a start

i'll start with the latest immeasurable wisdom that i've received. last week at carr bible study, a lovely older and wiser woman, Louine Woodruff shared bits of her life with us girls. here's her wisdom and i suppose where it fits in my life.

1) have a hobby. hers is sewing. fancy that, mine is sewing. it is organized yet creative. you put all of your love into a quilt, a pillow, a shirt. then you give it away. just, here you go. take it. here's all my love and hours of work and i choose to give it to you.

2) don't wish the days away/live in the moment. amen, louine. its hard right now. at this season of life, i want to live in the moment but i'm waiting to here back from grad school, waiting waiting waiting. waiting on a lot of other things. God has provided for me my whole life. joy, friends, love, family. why should i worry. (jon foreman would agree.) so, louine, and Jesus, i'm trying :)

3)live simply. this one is rough. i take joy in things. stuff. but i think the things that i love the most are things that have already been loved and lived in. so i think maybe that's better. but sometimes i do look at my things and just see them as all superfluous

4)be hospitable and receive people. oh i love this. louine's whole spirit said, 'come give me a hug'. she lived this hospitable thing. i would love to be this way. so that people could see that my hospitality comes from a genuine love for the well-being of their spirit.

that was the gist of louine's wisdom.