woozy friends

i feel like i just had no control over today. over leaving.

that's not the truth, but i feel like it.

i'm sitting here thinking to myself, "why on earth did you just leave those people, those relationships behind? you just...drove away. just got in you little SUV and left them in a sleepy town in the middle of rural america. who does that? you do."

that's not the truth either, but i feel like it is.

there is such depth and love and knowledge of heart in those friendships. and now i'm home, (with my family, which is beyond wonderful), but i don't know how to basically start from the beginning with friendships here.

its like this. say, you really like riding roller coasters. well, you ride your favorite roller coaster everyday, just enough times to where you feel a little woozy, but that's worth it cause it was your favorite. and then, one day, you go to ride your favorite roller coaster and they tell you that you can only slide down the slide.

a slide? pardonnez-moi?

this is a little tiny slide. like on one of those playschool yard sets.

its plastic.

it doesn't make you appropriately woozy.

but you chose to come to the park, so now you have to ride the slide, or nothing.

the friends that i left this morning, make me appropriately woozy. they know my heart. they know more about me than i know about me.

and i know there is good to come. i know that the Lord is mightily, woozily, faithful. i know that in the depths of my heart. i just...my heart is in the middle of the promise and the proof. i believe the promise, so i hope and wait for the proof. even if the proof never comes, i still have faith in the promise. but right now, i'm in the middle.

my heart trusts that here is where God has called me.

its just that my heart aches for the promises that he has already fulfilled in my life. because they were so holy and perfect.