Friday, April 16, 2010

Monday, April 12, 2010

I went up to the mountain because you asked me to. Up over the clouds where the sky was blue. I could see all around me everywhere. Sometimes I feel like I've never been nothing but tired and I'll be working 'till the day I expire. Sometimes I lay down. No more can I do. But then I go on again because you asked me to. Some days I look down afraid I will fall. And though the sun shines I see nothing at all. Then I hear your sweet voice come and then go, telling me softly, you love me so. The peaceful valley just over the mountain. The peaceful valley few come to know. I may never get there ever in this lifetime but sooner or later it's there I will go.

God Bless Patti Griffin for the words and the tune.

my heart hurts right now for my family. they are dealing with a weight that many families have to deal with everyday, the weight of the end of life. it is a relief and a rejoicing at times, but it is a time of grieving a loss. my grandfather taught my brothers so much. he taught them how to hunt. how to fish. how to take care of themselves. how to be men of their heritage. how to be family men. he has taught me so much. he has taught me humility in the past few years. growing up, he was always with the boys. that's just kind of how it was. he and i weren't really close. but about a year ago, he came up to me and he just hugged me. and he told me that he was sorry that he hadn't loved me like he had loved and taught the boys. he told me that he loved me and that he was so proud of me. it was such a blessing to hear from him. it hurts me to know that my mom could very well lose her daddy. it hurts me that 6 years ago around this same time of year, she dealt with the loss of her mother. it hurts. i believe that God is faithful and God heals our hurts. but they still hurt for now. and they will hurt for a while. i wish i could be home to help. to do something to take a bit of the burden off of my family. but all i have the power to do is call mom, check up on her, and petition the Lord on behalf of my family.

Blessings on my family, dear Lord. Peace and the Spirit of Christ upon them, my Father.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Won’t you take this cup from me
‘Cause fear has stolen all my sleep
If tomorrow means my death
I pray you’ll save their souls with it

Let the songs I sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

In this hour of doubt I see
But who I am is not just me
So give me strength to die myself
So love can live to tell the tale

Let the songs I sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

- Needtobreathe

Friday, April 2, 2010

allow me to start off with this statement...

i'm obviously not an avid writer.

...but i won't let that deter me. keep on keepin on, i tell myself.

i graduate in 5 weeks. i. graduate. in. 5. weeks. i don't think i need to say that again. College life will be my history. i don't know what is next. i know what would be comfortable for me. but i know that the Lord very well has other things in mind. i honest-to-gracious-goodness am okay with that. one thing, comfortable or not, that i am ready for, is to return to savannah. on my own. i'm ready to learn from my precious mother. i'm so proud of her and the heart that God has molded in her.

the other morning she called just to say 'good morning' (because we hadn't been able to get ahold of each other the day before). she simply mentioned a harmless email that my dad had sent me about grad school, and i just couldn't hold back my tears. i just started bawling. because i make grad school scary. i make the future scary. i make the unknown scary. actually, the unknown manages be scary whether i name it that or not.

i know what the past 4 years have been for me. i know the lessons i have learned. i know what i am capable of doing and what i wish to be capable of. i know what i have tried and what i want to try. i know what God has revealed to me and i long for what is yet to be revealed.

when i phrase it like that, the future is promising. but when i phrase it like 'grad school', the future is scary. i'm working on my wording.

this week i have begun to learn a very valuable thing about myself. when i think of my weaknesses, and then i look to my God, my thought process is this...'my powerful God can rid me of my weaknesses. my God has the ability to be my strength and overcome my weaknesses.' i have always expected my weaknesses to be transformed into strong, firm, unfailing ways.



no. that is not what glorifies my God. yes, i believe without a doubt that he has the power to change anything for the good of his child. but he never says that my failings or my insecurities or my weaknesses are things that i need to be rid of in order to show God's power. it is because of these weaknesses that his power is shown. it is because of these weaknesses that we find our need for God. it is because of these weaknesses that we praise him.

praise him. breath of heaven, hold me together.