allow me to start off with this statement...
i'm obviously not an avid writer.
...but i won't let that deter me. keep on keepin on, i tell myself.
i graduate in 5 weeks. i. graduate. in. 5. weeks. i don't think i need to say that again. College life will be my history. i don't know what is next. i know what would be comfortable for me. but i know that the Lord very well has other things in mind. i honest-to-gracious-goodness am okay with that. one thing, comfortable or not, that i am ready for, is to return to savannah. on my own. i'm ready to learn from my precious mother. i'm so proud of her and the heart that God has molded in her.
the other morning she called just to say 'good morning' (because we hadn't been able to get ahold of each other the day before). she simply mentioned a harmless email that my dad had sent me about grad school, and i just couldn't hold back my tears. i just started bawling. because i make grad school scary. i make the future scary. i make the unknown scary. actually, the unknown manages be scary whether i name it that or not.
i know what the past 4 years have been for me. i know the lessons i have learned. i know what i am capable of doing and what i wish to be capable of. i know what i have tried and what i want to try. i know what God has revealed to me and i long for what is yet to be revealed.
when i phrase it like that, the future is promising. but when i phrase it like 'grad school', the future is scary. i'm working on my wording.
this week i have begun to learn a very valuable thing about myself. when i think of my weaknesses, and then i look to my God, my thought process is this...'my powerful God can rid me of my weaknesses. my God has the ability to be my strength and overcome my weaknesses.' i have always expected my weaknesses to be transformed into strong, firm, unfailing ways.
no. that is not what glorifies my God. yes, i believe without a doubt that he has the power to change anything for the good of his child. but he never says that my failings or my insecurities or my weaknesses are things that i need to be rid of in order to show God's power. it is because of these weaknesses that his power is shown. it is because of these weaknesses that we find our need for God. it is because of these weaknesses that we praise him.
praise him. breath of heaven, hold me together.
6 hours ago